Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. Flush this man from your life. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. Sorta-slow-fade. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship. NO! Thank you. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. ago. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? Perfect explanation Sparkle! If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. Thank you. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. He never asked for my forgiveness and its a private gesture on my end, but its helped me measure my own progress. This for my own sake. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. I felt so stupid and violated. Dont waste your time with him. I am definitely tempted to do this! It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. Key points Holding a grudge is often, in part, an attempt to get the comfort and compassion one didn't get in the past. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. And its SPOT ON. I followed him. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Grudges are toxic to relationships. . Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. I dont forget. He does not mean you well. Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. Hes playing with your heart. The Resentment Cure How To Forgive And Forget And Eliminate The I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. February 28th, 2023. She did not mention the message she had left me. We can remember without ill will. My prayers for you continue. What a bullet you dodged. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. I deal with this a lot. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. It beggars belief! Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. None of these are likely. My thing now is, I feel I have to leave this relationship but I dont want to do anything to him that I would not want done to me. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. Like my mother for example? Youre holding a grudge! Silva RS, et al. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) THANK YOU! It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? He deserves a guilty conscience. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. This response is different from holding a grudge. Improved mental health. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. So you do. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. So forgiving someone = loving them = ACTING on whats best for them = steering well clear so that they cant behave in a way that is bad for their soul. This is drama and will go nowhere! I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. re my son esp. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. We met a few times. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. Fewer symptoms of depression. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. You maintain your dignity with silence. Why? I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. I keep trying to fix it and I act like a good sport where I ignore the reality of how they act. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. . If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. P.S. A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. and not actually to feel any better. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. But he didnt make chumps. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). Its as though I either like you or I dont even see you. life sucks. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <.