Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. I told her about bigger men, since she really had no idea, and said she could try another man, since I had 13 to 15 sex partners before we were married and she had none. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. You know best. And, worst of all, he propositioned me for sex by using the fact I was divorced (and probably horny) as an excuse. My boyfriend invited his ex-wife over for dinner. Q. Husbands Night Terrors: My husband has a pretty good life. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. When Your Husband Defends Another Woman - 6 Things To Do A: I think its pretty well known that you are not supposed to give animals as presents. He would tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt her feelings, which made me feel less than. I thought she was simply a co-worker and I was wondering why my husband was so disturbed and emotional. He acts like they are his number one priority. A: I agree. OMG, i cannot type today! We are much happier for it too. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. Be honest and clear about whats bothering you, but dont make your spouse the intermediary. You have the right to make your own decisions. WebNo matter how much I expressed to him how uncomfortable I was with their friendship, he always defended her feelings over mine. Or is he trying to get back at you for feeling like you don't care for his parents (not saying you don't care for them but he may perceive it that way)? Should I? A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. A: If more people were like you, the housing crash might have been a lot less disastrous. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th Oh, and one more question, why does he say he treats your family a bit cold and keeps them at arms length? Have you ever asked in a way that is 'ju They have nothing to do with your marriage, because they are not in the marriage and you did not get married to them. This happened in my family, although the racist relative was not an immediate family member. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. ); why he feels he has to hide it from you; and how your requests that he end it affect his feelings toward you? If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. So he listen to his mom. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. But the thought of going through this number of events for two more kids is exhausting. They've been married for 4 1/2 years, however, her husband and his sister are obsessed with each other. It seems like anything that comes of out of my cousins mouth warrants a snide retort from one child or the other. I got a little bolder and made him hold even playing ground. Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You I want the truth, the person asking says, but if you tell me the truth, I will shame or judge or abandon you. A: Ive said before that I dont think a man confesses his infidelity to his wifes sister because he really wants it to remain a secret. Dear Therapist: My Husband He is a disgusting human being. I called him a mamas boy. Sometimes theres no ideal time to have a child, but its the right thing to do anyway. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. They didn't care that he didn't have Why don't you just ask your husband why he gets mad when you agree with him about something his mother has said or done? As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband is devastated that his lover has diedand expects her to comfort him. The above was just an example. Not being racistor keeping those thoughts in your headis not a lot to ask. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. Q. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. My Husband Is Mourning His Dead Mistress: Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. These arguments have caused us to have days to where we hardly speak, days where I don't want to even talk to him because he is just pissy because he's holding a grudge. My Friend Is Furious With Me for Ignoring Her Medical Crisis. I'm tired of how things have been lately and I want it to stop. Q. Im a Tightwad: Both my husband and I grew up with very little money. Who knows why she is doing what she does with the ex. But it sounds as if youre both employed and making good financial choices. Send questions for publication here. After the baby comes, you can discuss with your parents whether they want to provide baby-sitting services. She may be too sunk into this mess to act, but sometimes an outsiders perspective can suddenly shine a mirror on a situation. But what my suggestion might do is help you see another way to move through this impasse and understand it better before you make any decisions about your marriage. That will be Tuesday, Jan. 18, since were off on Monday. So Id say to leave him off the list. He has even argued with me and threatened to leave me over a disagreement about his sister! My friend is handling things all right but is more concerned about her now-widower father, who is apparently struggling to leave the house and has nothing to do (he is retired). Do not build resentment over this. All rights reserved. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. A: If youre in the middle of finding the best treatment for your bipolar disorder, the last thing you need is a relationship that makes you feel insecure and stressed. Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? This is a reality many married women face in India. Good morning - Well I brought it up last night and at first it did not go well. A couch is a major purchase and theres nothing wrong with doing your research and making sure youre getting the right one. Worried About His Female Friends (Questions may be edited.). Why does my husband get so defensive about his family? All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. I may be one of few, but I didnt have a bridal shower. This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. Babies and in-Laws: Due to the economy and the price of real estate in our area, my husband, myself and our almost 4-year-old child are currently living with my parents, renting their basement while we save up for a down payment for a place of our own. I know how delicate the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship can be, so I have not said a word about these events and attended them all graciously. I think nice conversation and a hug would be sufficient not multiple hugs and kisses and numerous I love you's within a few minutes. He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to join in in ridiculing my mother. How do I deal with this? There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. Q. Thanks for understanding, should do it. You'll be happier seperating yourself from anger surrounding his family. We are currently living together and are starting to get our careers going. I have continued going to work because I dont want to sit at home and cry, but Im not ready to tell anyone, but my closest friends. What Do Herpes Sores Look Like at Different Stages. Kind of a shoot the messanger thing. We are experiencing a birth dearth in this country because so many people of childbearing age are in your situation. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. My cousin is a quiet and kind person who has never had a bad word to say about anyone. To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. I agree with you, Mom, that a return to contained and modest celebrations is to be much hoped for. If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. First it was the older one, and now her younger sister is doing the same. Q. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. Good morning - Well I brought it up last night and at first it did not go well. He completely denied there was even an issue. Denied he gets upset, I always politely decline, but Id really like it if he stopped. Heres where we disagree though: My husband thinks we should just start trying and see what happens. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. We encountered an issue signing you up. I don't even care if they were friends. Hes lying about it, too. I have been with this man for 2 years and we have a baby. I'm not mad at my MIL for being nice to my husband's ex. It has become so bad that I spend all night staying up thinking about if we can afford things even though I know I can. Similarly, theyre so wrapped up in anger and self-righteousness that they lack curiosity about themselves. David M. Benett. First he needs to check in with his internist and explain whats going on. That is the reason you got married. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. So slap on a smile and be grateful to be included. On my part, I started masturbation in seventh grade, and I first had sex while I was 16. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. I came to an even playing ground. When a wife brings an issue such as this to her Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Id say you should express concern not just for the animal (which is the obvious issue) but also about how traumatizing it will be for him if the dog is too much to handle, wont let him rest, or has to be rehomed if it doesnt work out. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. It may be that the teenagers dont want to hear this message now. I hope you and your husband can start standing up for yourselves now, before you come to the conclusion that raising your children is really about what the grandparents want. If you tell me the truth, I will try to control you. Whos right? We had to buy a new couch to replace our old college dorm room couch and we spent over a month talking about it weighing the pros and cons. That gives him the space to work on those issues. I really dont like it when you order for me or pressure me. These are: 1. The reason I know this is because he told me! So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. Dear Abby: My husband is weirdly close to his sister - The Mercury I don't tend to "sugar coat" many things. But were both doing okay. If people ask follow-ups and you dont want to answer, a simple, Its a painful subject to talk about. I think I may show this thread to my husband. It doesnt sound like you need psychological counseling, just a better system for making financial decisions. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. This brings me to your comment about if I have considered that maybe my MIL doesn't want problems, of course I have considered it and that is why I said I don't expect her to be rude or mean. He had numerous affairs during the late 90s and early 2000s (and perhaps Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life. I know teenagers can be trying, but this behavior seems off the charts compared to other kids Ive known. We were very much in love, so this will come as a shock to everyoneit was a shock to me! Good for you for seeing that bonding time with Dad was part of playing out a pattern destructive to everyone. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. My sister-in-law is repeatedly nasty to me and I find it upsetting and unjustified. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. I would recommend them to everyone who needs any metal or Fabrication work done. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 a.m. crying and tremblingyet I dont have the heart to yell at him like I want to. It hasnt been pretty in my family but you know what? When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. Both families were told at the same time. She answered back, Well, whatever. Since then, my husbands family has been distancing themselves from me. She is over a decade older than me and lives, with her husband, 200 miles away. Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. You should begin, by understanding that this is NOT about the sisters of your husband. Her words are if someone doesn't like it then tuff **it. Thank you! You are the only one who understood what I was trying to say. Perhaps I should have been more clear. It's upsetting that she treats this Denied he gets upset, denied that he talks about my family, denied that he has been nit-picky toward my daughter, nieces/nephews, denied he uses an angry tone when he does nit-pick, etc. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! my husband defends his mother despite it WebMy in-laws had a very high-conflict marriage, they separated 3-4 times over the course of their marriage, twice because of problems with their own respective parents/in-laws. Help! I recently discovered that my husband and a female colleague of his have a texting streak going back as far as 2016. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. 11 Possible Meanings - When Your Husband Defends Another Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. First, about the lying: Sometimes people lie because the person requesting the truth makes the truth telling so aversive. My fianc and I want to start planning our wedding, but were not sure how to navigate having both families there. Read some reputable books on creating a budget and living within it. I just re-read my last comment. it sounds like you may have found common ground. While my S.O. He is naturally protective My husband never stands up for me. Many men The first time my ex struck me leaving welts on my arm and chest which made it hard to carry the backpack I used as a part-time seminary student I weighed about 100 pounds to his almost 180. Bossip That means she sets the family tone, which only encourages her worst qualities. The question is: How can you give her this information without making her feel attacked, when shes clearly feeling desperate to do something to make her father feel better? This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. And dont let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you. Im with you that its incredibly rude that you werent included in the invitation to your SILs 40th birthday party. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life.